This is my testimony (in a nutshell) in dealing with and
eventually overcoming severe depression.
For me, 1989 had been a productive and hope
filled year. After graduating from Bible College in 1988, I
had joined a church planting team as the assistant pastor. I
expected 1990 to be one of best years of my life as I
planned to further my theological training and join another
church planting venture in pursuit of my goal of becoming
a missionary in Thailand.
However, throughout that year a number of factors
combined to cause the gradual decline of my mental and
physical health. I had neglected physical exercise, eaten
poorly and devoted little time to rest and recreation. I
worked full time as well as serving part time in the church.
The sleeplessness which had troubled me in recent years
had developed into chronic insomnia. As I became ever
more fatigued, panic attacks and obsessive fearful thoughts
afflicted me in increasing frequency and severity, even
though I had no idea what they were at that time.
Undiagnosed complex partial epilepsy churning
away in the background was another contributing factor. On
the other hand, throughout that year I remained positive and
full of zeal for life, excitedly pursuing my goal to be a
pastor and missionary.
In late November 1989 I went to Thailand for a
hectic ten-day missionary orientation course, where I barely
slept at all. When I returned to Melbourne, I fell apart
emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Although
178cm tall, my weight had fallen to 55kg. The final straw
came a few days later - I suffered a shock so powerful that
for almost 24 hours I was unable to complete a single
thought in my mind.
After eight nightmarish days that defied all reason,
I suddenly bounced back to some semblance of normality.
Unfortunately, I collapsed again two weeks later, where my
mind unravelled to the extent that for the next several days,
I did little else but lay on my bed, rocking from side to side
as I tried in vain to pull myself out of terrifying panic
attacks that would not cease.
This time, instead of bouncing back, I remained
stuck in the hellish nightmare, which continued without
respite into the New Year. I felt disturbed and ill at ease all
day and could barely sleep at night. My mind became
sluggish, stuck in a rut of thinking fearful, anxious thoughts
all the time. Many physical complaints assailed me, missed,
palpitating and racing heart beats, very painful aches in the
shoulders and jaw, nausea and chest pains, difficulty
breathing, and more. Emotional symptoms included anger,
confusion, irritability, loss of interest in life, fear that I
would never escape the nightmare, and I withdrew from
almost all relationships. My spiritual life was equally a
shambles, I struggled with anger and bitterness towards
God, could no longer feel His presence, and felt guilty all of
the time. Although I continued to languish in this miry pit of
bleak hopelessness for the next seven months, there were a
number of things that slowly helped me cope with the
ordeal.
eventually overcoming severe depression.
For me, 1989 had been a productive and hope
filled year. After graduating from Bible College in 1988, I
had joined a church planting team as the assistant pastor. I
expected 1990 to be one of best years of my life as I
planned to further my theological training and join another
church planting venture in pursuit of my goal of becoming
a missionary in Thailand.
However, throughout that year a number of factors
combined to cause the gradual decline of my mental and
physical health. I had neglected physical exercise, eaten
poorly and devoted little time to rest and recreation. I
worked full time as well as serving part time in the church.
The sleeplessness which had troubled me in recent years
had developed into chronic insomnia. As I became ever
more fatigued, panic attacks and obsessive fearful thoughts
afflicted me in increasing frequency and severity, even
though I had no idea what they were at that time.
Undiagnosed complex partial epilepsy churning
away in the background was another contributing factor. On
the other hand, throughout that year I remained positive and
full of zeal for life, excitedly pursuing my goal to be a
pastor and missionary.
In late November 1989 I went to Thailand for a
hectic ten-day missionary orientation course, where I barely
slept at all. When I returned to Melbourne, I fell apart
emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Although
178cm tall, my weight had fallen to 55kg. The final straw
came a few days later - I suffered a shock so powerful that
for almost 24 hours I was unable to complete a single
thought in my mind.
After eight nightmarish days that defied all reason,
I suddenly bounced back to some semblance of normality.
Unfortunately, I collapsed again two weeks later, where my
mind unravelled to the extent that for the next several days,
I did little else but lay on my bed, rocking from side to side
as I tried in vain to pull myself out of terrifying panic
attacks that would not cease.
This time, instead of bouncing back, I remained
stuck in the hellish nightmare, which continued without
respite into the New Year. I felt disturbed and ill at ease all
day and could barely sleep at night. My mind became
sluggish, stuck in a rut of thinking fearful, anxious thoughts
all the time. Many physical complaints assailed me, missed,
palpitating and racing heart beats, very painful aches in the
shoulders and jaw, nausea and chest pains, difficulty
breathing, and more. Emotional symptoms included anger,
confusion, irritability, loss of interest in life, fear that I
would never escape the nightmare, and I withdrew from
almost all relationships. My spiritual life was equally a
shambles, I struggled with anger and bitterness towards
God, could no longer feel His presence, and felt guilty all of
the time. Although I continued to languish in this miry pit of
bleak hopelessness for the next seven months, there were a
number of things that slowly helped me cope with the
ordeal.
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