It can be very difficult to cope with the destruction of our
plans and dreams for the future, especially if we believed
those plans had come from God in the first place. Shock,
denial, confusion, anger, and even descent into depression
are common reactions.
On the other hand, the onset of depression can also
destroy our plans for the future, which in turn makes
depression worse.
Some Christians blame God for allowing those
plans and dreams to be shattered. Others, doubting God’s
goodness, accuse Him of destroying those plans
deliberately.
I stand amongst those whose plans for the future were
destroyed by depression. When I was nineteen, I felt a
strong burden for the Asian peoples and spent the next five
years preparing to go to Thailand as a pastor and
missionary. I went to Bible College, helped plant a local
church, and went to Thailand on a missionary orientation
course. The plan for 1990 was additional Bible college
studies and more church planting experience.
It was at that point in my life that depression
overwhelmed me. As the days turned to weeks and then
months, with no sign of the unbelievably intense suffering
abating, I had no choice but to quit the ministry and
abandon my plans for the future.
Yet having been convinced that God had called me
to be a missionary in Asia, forsaking that dream left me
terribly confused and wracked with guilt. I remember
wondering during those dark months how Jesus viewed me,
was He displeased and disappointed in me for making that
decision? As I pondered this and my horrific condition, I
began to get angry with Him, as you can see from this diary
entry.
38
8th February 1990 – ‘Jesus cannot blame me for throwing
in all thoughts of the ministry. He would have known that I
would give up after going through all this - so He can’t
blame me for pulling out. Also, I would have been heading
for Thailand, doing Bible college etc right now, if all this
stuff had not happened. So if Jesus wanted me to be a
missionary, then He would not have or (should not have) let
all this happen to me. But the truth is, all this has happened
to me, but why? Where has it come from?’
Due to counselling and prayer, I eventually realised that I
had made the mistake of placing my faith and trust in
obediently following the path that I believed God had set
for me. In fact, I became terrified of making a wrong step in
the erroneous belief that this would destroy His plans for
my life.
Such faulty thought processes had placed me in a
fearful bondage. We are not to place our faith in the path we
believe God has called us to follow - we are to place our
faith and trust in God Himself. As to fearing I could destroy
God’s plans for my life, God tells us to follow His precepts
as presented in His word, and that He will never leave or
forsake us. "And surely I am with you always, to the very
end of the age.” Matthew 28:20.
Let us have a look at Proverbs 3:5. ‘Trust in the LORD with
all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.’
I learnt that we must not place our hope in our
understanding of how our future will turn out. For if we do,
when things do not turn out as we expect them to, this may
shake our life’s foundations. We are to build our lives upon
Christ, the Cornerstone, the sure foundation – we must not
build our lives upon our own understandings of what the
future will be.
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD
determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9
There is a saying in the military. “No battle plan survives
contact with the enemy.” There is a great lesson to learn
here – not only do plans encounter resistance, but
calculated or random events alter their course too. We must
expect this and be flexible. When things do not turn out as
we were expecting, trust in God instead of fearing,
doubting, or blaming Him. God is in control, and uses all
things for good for those who love Him.
Romans 8:28 says, ‘And we know that in all things God
works for the good of those who love him, who have been
called according to his purpose.’
Now it turns out that God did indeed give me a burden for
the Asian peoples. But His plan for my life was not to be a
missionary in Thailand planting churches. Instead, He led
me to marry a Japanese girl and serve Him in a Japanese
Christian church in my city. I had made plans, but God
determined my steps. Letting go of the fears that depression
had destroyed God’s plan for my life, I acknowledged Him
with each step I took and He led me down a straight path.
plans and dreams for the future, especially if we believed
those plans had come from God in the first place. Shock,
denial, confusion, anger, and even descent into depression
are common reactions.
On the other hand, the onset of depression can also
destroy our plans for the future, which in turn makes
depression worse.
Some Christians blame God for allowing those
plans and dreams to be shattered. Others, doubting God’s
goodness, accuse Him of destroying those plans
deliberately.
I stand amongst those whose plans for the future were
destroyed by depression. When I was nineteen, I felt a
strong burden for the Asian peoples and spent the next five
years preparing to go to Thailand as a pastor and
missionary. I went to Bible College, helped plant a local
church, and went to Thailand on a missionary orientation
course. The plan for 1990 was additional Bible college
studies and more church planting experience.
It was at that point in my life that depression
overwhelmed me. As the days turned to weeks and then
months, with no sign of the unbelievably intense suffering
abating, I had no choice but to quit the ministry and
abandon my plans for the future.
Yet having been convinced that God had called me
to be a missionary in Asia, forsaking that dream left me
terribly confused and wracked with guilt. I remember
wondering during those dark months how Jesus viewed me,
was He displeased and disappointed in me for making that
decision? As I pondered this and my horrific condition, I
began to get angry with Him, as you can see from this diary
entry.
38
8th February 1990 – ‘Jesus cannot blame me for throwing
in all thoughts of the ministry. He would have known that I
would give up after going through all this - so He can’t
blame me for pulling out. Also, I would have been heading
for Thailand, doing Bible college etc right now, if all this
stuff had not happened. So if Jesus wanted me to be a
missionary, then He would not have or (should not have) let
all this happen to me. But the truth is, all this has happened
to me, but why? Where has it come from?’
Due to counselling and prayer, I eventually realised that I
had made the mistake of placing my faith and trust in
obediently following the path that I believed God had set
for me. In fact, I became terrified of making a wrong step in
the erroneous belief that this would destroy His plans for
my life.
Such faulty thought processes had placed me in a
fearful bondage. We are not to place our faith in the path we
believe God has called us to follow - we are to place our
faith and trust in God Himself. As to fearing I could destroy
God’s plans for my life, God tells us to follow His precepts
as presented in His word, and that He will never leave or
forsake us. "And surely I am with you always, to the very
end of the age.” Matthew 28:20.
Let us have a look at Proverbs 3:5. ‘Trust in the LORD with
all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.’
I learnt that we must not place our hope in our
understanding of how our future will turn out. For if we do,
when things do not turn out as we expect them to, this may
shake our life’s foundations. We are to build our lives upon
Christ, the Cornerstone, the sure foundation – we must not
build our lives upon our own understandings of what the
future will be.
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD
determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9
There is a saying in the military. “No battle plan survives
contact with the enemy.” There is a great lesson to learn
here – not only do plans encounter resistance, but
calculated or random events alter their course too. We must
expect this and be flexible. When things do not turn out as
we were expecting, trust in God instead of fearing,
doubting, or blaming Him. God is in control, and uses all
things for good for those who love Him.
Romans 8:28 says, ‘And we know that in all things God
works for the good of those who love him, who have been
called according to his purpose.’
Now it turns out that God did indeed give me a burden for
the Asian peoples. But His plan for my life was not to be a
missionary in Thailand planting churches. Instead, He led
me to marry a Japanese girl and serve Him in a Japanese
Christian church in my city. I had made plans, but God
determined my steps. Letting go of the fears that depression
had destroyed God’s plan for my life, I acknowledged Him
with each step I took and He led me down a straight path.
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